the results of one codependent relationship ...

I don't believe Amedeo was ever again able to sleep soundly. There were times when he awoke in the middle of the night screaming and screaming with a voice neither of us recognized as his own.

The excitation-patterns of abuse had been stamped into him for years.

On another colourful occasion, I surreptitiously called the police. When they arrived, I begged them to commit Aldo, I was hysterical, quartered by grief. The two young blue-shirted men were mortified - so kind, and so completely impotent. My mother's signature was required for him to be committed and so the whole deal fell through. She wasn't signing anything.

Aldo knew this. Exuberant in his supremacy, he then delivered one of his most extraordinarily insane monologues to the two men (his eyes rolling back into his head, the bolts in his neck turning, hair sprouting from his palms, lightning forking so dramatically in the background, a raven perched on each of his hunched shoulders, et cetera).

Mother stood and gazed at all of us with minimal recognition, a deliriously and deliberately vacuous monster. She was dressed, I think, in lemon chiffon. New jewels, the usual four-inch-heeled mules. Her son's blood was on the wall (and on the tables, sinks, doors and her husband's hands), but this was irrelevant. Unpleasant truths had no place in her life. Reality was such a bore and anyway, it was nothing to do with her, nothing at all: it wasn't really happening, it was a dream. Her denial mechanism reduced all hate-crimes to a trick of light.

“When a codependent dies, someone else’s life flashes before their eyes!”

“Codependency is an emotional, behavioral, and psychological pattern of coping which develops as a result of prolonged exposure to and practice of a dysfunctional set of family rules. In turn, these rules make difficult or impossible the open expression of thoughts and feelings. Normal identity development is thereby interrupted; codependency is the reflection of a delayed identity development.”

Though originally defined as a predictable response for the partner of a person suffering from chemical dependency, codependency is now recognized as a maladaptive strategy that people typically utilize, in their efforts to cope with a wide range of life stressors. Codependency is, essentially, an addiction to another person; the compulsive need to control that part of their life that is out-of-control. It has been said that “When a codependent dies, someone else’s life flashes before their eyes!”

5,400,000 people in the United States alone who are suffering from alcoholism.

5,400,000 people in the United States alone who are suffering from alcoholism. 4,500,000 of them are males while 900,000 are females. (Encyclopedia Britannica) More than 55,000 people aged 15-29 across Europe die each year as a result of alcohol-related road accidents, poisoning, suicide and murders according to the World Health Organization. (European Public Health Alliance, Dec 2004) Again as with smoking the children of parents consuming alcohol are more likely to become victims of the ills of alcoholism. Fetal alcohol syndrome is well known for causing developmental disorders, mental retardation and birth defects in fetuses of women who consume alcohol during the course of their pregnancy. (Welch-Carre E, Adv Neonatal Care, Aug 2005) In a study by Rivara FP et al., the risk of homicide was shown to increase for non-substance-abusing persons living with other members who abused alcohol and drugs. (JAMA, Aug 1997) Studies by the Bowles Center for Alcohol Studies at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, indicate that about 15 percent of the US national health care budget is spent each year treating patients with alcohol related problems. In purely economic terms, alcohol-associated problems cost the society about $185 billion per year. In human terms, costs cannot be calculated. (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, 2001) Scientists believe that the presence of certain factors in an individual’s environment influence whether a person who is genetically at risk of alcoholism would ever develop the disease. The risk for developing alcoholism can increase depending on the person’s environment, including culture, economic status and living condition; family, friends, peer pressure; and accessibility of alcohol. A study by Noris J, from the University of Washington reports that: "both alcohol consumption and violent pornography have been implicated independently in the commission of sexual aggression. In addition to alcohol consumption, the presence of alcohol in the context of violent pornography may act as a permissive cue to influence judgments of such material's acceptability and self-reported likelihood of engaging in sexually violent behavior." (J Stud Alcohol Suppl. Sep 1993) In some developing countries the rich classes evening entertainment, means hours of intensive drinking. The quality and number of bottles consumed has become a symbol of status. The reason can be searched in sudden agricultural and economic development, resulting in cultural adaptation of western life style and the affluent attitude toward alcohol as a status symbol. (Dr. Gupta R, The Tribune, online edition, Apr 2002) Here the danger lies again for children who in imitating their parents and elders, fall into risky behaviors including alcohol, drugs, and sex. There is indeed a very high correlation between these three risky behaviors. The increasing reliance on television, alcohol, and gambling as the most common outlets for stress and tensions, and the predominant form of entertainment is a devastating social behavior with far reaching consequences.

The effects of Porn addiction

Through internet, videos, cable television, satellite and magazines, pornography has become accessible to almost everyone. By its powerful appeal, pornography leads many into sexual addiction which has many harmful side effects. According to Ybarra ML, in a study about children and adolescence who, are exposed to pornography "those who report intentional exposure to pornography, irrespective of source, are significantly more likely to report delinquent behavior and substance use in the previous year. Further, online seekers versus offline seekers are more likely to report clinical features associated with depression and lower levels of emotional bonding with their caregiver" (J Psychosoc Nurs Ment Health Serv. Sep 2005) Another study by Frei et al, in Switzerland demonstrates the clear relationship of widespread access to pornographic materials on internet with the emergence of "deviant sexual fantasies in men with no previous record of any offences". (Swiss Med Wkly. Aug 2005) According the Maitse T, "There has been a failure to recognize that pornography degrades and disempowers women in the home, workplace, and broader society. Like prostitution, pornography contributes to the creation of an image of women as objects--a view that facilitates rape and domestic violence. The pornography industry both creates and feeds on men's need to control women". (Gend Dev. Nov 1998) In another study Dr. Victor Cline has described the progressive nature of addiction to pornography. Once addicted, a person’s carving for pornography becomes more frequent and more deviant. Becoming desensitized to the material, the individual does not get a thrill from a previously exciting material any longer. Eventually, all these together (increased craving and desensitization), forces many addicts to act out their fantasies on others. (New York: Morality in Media, 1999) Though no one seriously advocates the legalization of cocaine or heroin, however, somehow the pornography industry has managed to convince a large share of the population to accept that viewing porn is not only harmless, but is also a right. By ignoring pornography's true nature as highly addictive and destructive material, we are going to face seriously troubled times. According to Dr. Patrick Carnes, about 3-6 percent of Americans are sexually addicted. That is as many as 20 million people. (Sex Addiction Q&A, May 2005) Not being limited to individuals, however; the epidemic of pornography is one of the leading reasons for family breakdown today. Attending a meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers in 2002, two-thirds of the divorce lawyers indicated that excessive interest in online porn did contribute to more than 50% of divorces they dealt with that year. They also added that pornography almost did not have a role in divorce about seven or eight year earlier. (PR Newswire, Nov 2002) The devastation is not limited to adults either. In an estimate, the US Department of Justice states that about nine out of 10 children of ages 8 to 16 have been exposed to online pornography

Emotions Anonymous group and it's purpose.

Emotions Anonymous is ABOUT emotions and how I react, respond and deal with my emotional 'stuff', in particular how my life has become nearly unlivable due to my emotional 'dis-eases'. The Program of Emotions Anonymous is about how I can work this 12 Step Program to live one day at a time in better sanity and serenity.


The basis of my 'problem' is powerlessness over my emotions. Period. Not alchohol, not drugs, but my emotional responses to life. I may also have these addictions or compulsions as well, but my underlying issue is emotional.

I personally have suffered from low grade depression most of my life although no one would guess it unless they knew me intimately. I have also had periods of anxiety and panic attacks so disturbing I was afraid to eat (anorexia), afraid to go outside (agorophobia) and other 'emotional' illnesses.

The Program of Emotions Anonymous has helped me to become sane again.

STEP 8 - "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all."

"Making amends helps us let go of the past. If we are wiling to make amends - and make them- we will be free to meet people and situations without fear. Our Higher Power will provide the opportunity for doing so."

I was first on my list. I was so hard on myself I made my emotional pain and illness worse with my own recriminations, denial, frustration and self-loathing.

Honesty and acceptance were keys to Step 8 and taking some time...step 4 helped to make the list.

There are so many ways to do a Step 8, it's worth checking with fellowship and or your sponsor.

One exercise recommends 9 weeks - just with index cards....one for each person, institution etc. Put the name of each one of the cards than put them away or carry them for 30 days.
Without referring to the cards write about what will be the benefits of making these amends? Put this with the cards or carry this around with you.
After 30 days take out the cards and make a brief note on each why/what the amends needs to be - an apology, express appreciation, forgiveness, time, money, a change of attitude or other. Put them away again for another 30 days.
When you go back and look at the amends are there people who might be harmed by your amends? Are there people that really require an amends or is this just about you feeling guilty? If in doubt, check it out with EA fellow, sponsor, 5th step person.

This step says we need only be willing. sometimes an amend cannot be made. Perhaps a specific amend can never be made - but we were willing to make it if it had been possible.

selfhelp books for gamblers

Combo Book
Designed as an introduction to Gamblers Anonymous as well as the Recovery and Unity Programs. Is the most widely used piece of literature GA has, as it is read at almost all GA groups. Also, this is generally given freely to newcomers, to help them understand what GA is about. Contains the 20 Questions on pages 15 and 16.
Sponsorship Manual
A question and answer format presented to help understand the concept of sponsorship as it applies to Gamblers Anonymous and the recovery process. An invaluable tool for those sponsoring someone as much as those seeking a sponsor.

Towards 90 Days
This booklet is designed to help a compulsive gambler through the early days in the Fellowship. Contained within these pages, one will find practical advice that has been tried and tested down through the years by many compulsive gamblers. Also included within this booklet is an introduction to Gam-Anon, for those significant others involved with a compulsive gambler.

Beyond 90 Days
This booklet, one of the newest pieces of literature introduced by Gamblers Anonymous, is for those who have been in the Fellowship more than 90 days - in some cases for many years. On the road of recovery, many obstacles confront compulsive gamblers. This booklet tries to confront some of those obstacles.

Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney

This dance of Codependence is a dance of dysfunctional relationships - of relationships that do not work to meet our needs. That does not mean just romantic relationships, or family relationships, or even human relationships in general.
The fact that dysfunction exists in our romantic, family, and human relationships is a symptom of the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with life, with being human. It is a symptom of the dysfunction which exists in our relationships with ourselves as human beings.

And the dysfunction that exists in our relationship with ourselves is a symptom of Spiritual dis-ease, of not being in balance and harmony with the universe, of feeling disconnected from our Spiritual source."

Co-dependent people may also have difficulty owning their own feelings

Co-dependent people may also have difficulty owning their own feelings. While everyone experiences a wide range of feelings, co-dependent people tend to experience them in a way that completely overwhelms them. This is because their feelings may have been minimized in the past- possibly for years. To deal with this, they desperately begin to seek affirmation of their thoughts and feelings. In doing so, they begin to place more importance on other people's opinions than on their own. They have learned not to trust their own feelings, and eventually cannot even recognize them, since they are so accustomed to "feeling the way they 'should feel'" in certain situations.

Co-dependency can be called an other-addiction.

The other that they are addicted to may or may not be another person. If it is a person, they may or may not be chemically dependent. The co-dependent could be addicted to approval or affirmation of others. They could only be happy if others "make 'them feel happy. They also can be "If-only" addicted. If only XYZ would happen, then they think they will be happy. They are looking for people, things, or circumstances outside of themselves, or how others react to them to bring them happiness.

a "people pleaser" and will do almost anything to get the approval of others

Have a long history of focusing your thoughts and behaviour on other people.
Are a "people pleaser" and will do almost anything to get the approval of others.
Seem very competent on the outside but on the inside feel quite needy, helpless, or perhaps nothing at all.
Have experienced abuse or emotional neglect as a child.
Are outwardly focused towards others, and know very little about how to direct your own life from your own sense of self.

I have many times taken pride in the fact that I am a "helper" with others, and I can easily postpone or deny my own needs.

Without even realizing that it is happening, I find myself focusing on others needs even at my own expense.
When it is my turn to receive help from others I usually decline, as I am uneasy when others focus their attention on me.
I have many times taken pride in the fact that I am a "helper" with others, and I can easily postpone or deny my own needs.
I feel the best about myself when I am giving advice and/or handling a crisis situation.
Many times I have waited for others to take care of me in return, only to discover that it is never my turn.
Sometimes I am so focused on one person that I can only think about that person and how to help them.
I take good care of my friends. Most people like me because of what I can do for them.

She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.

"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.

Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."

The Roots of Addiction

A Matter of Control
Codependency, for others, doesn't express itself in a desire to control, but instead, in the need to be controlled by others. Because it is nearly impossible for Codependents to say "no" to people, they may find themselves the victims in physically and emotionally abusive relationships. They believe that if they can be good enough, or loving enough, they can change the other person's behavior. They sometimes blame themselves for the abusive behavior: "If only I had not forgotten to do the dishes, he would not have had to hit me."

General rules set-up within families that may cause codependency may include:

It’s not okay to talk about problems
Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself
Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation
Be strong, good, right, perfect
Make us proud beyond realistic expectations
Don’t be selfish
Do as I say not as I do
It’s not okay to play or be playful
Don’t rock the boat.

society is addicted

There are some natural and healthy behaviors mothers do with children that look like codependency. Are people mutually interdependent on each other? Yes. There is perhaps a continuum of codependency, that most people might fall on. Maybe this continuum exists because so many people are taught not to be assertive, or to ask directly for their needs to be met? We probably can’t say though that everyone is codependent. Many people probably don’t feel fulfilled because of other things going on in the system at large.

society is addicted; the object of addiction isn't the important issue, but rather that the environment sets us up to be addicted to something, i.e. food, sex, drugs, power, etc.

If that is true, then all of us are either addicts or codependents. From this perspective, society produces a pattern making it hard not to be codependent. But it still doesn’t change that we’re not getting what we need and we’re not feeling fulfilled. Then the question is, how do I become more fulfilled and feel better about myself and the life I’m living?

codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system

As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.

living with an alcoholic or substance abuser

There are many definitions used to talk about codependency today. The original concept of codependency was developed to acknowledge the responses and behaviors people develop from living with an alcoholic or substance abuser. A number of attributes can be developed as a result of those conditions.

However, over the years, codependency has expanded into a definition which describes a dysfunctional pattern of living and problem solving developed during childhood by family rules.

One of many definitions of codependency is: a set of *maladaptive, *compulsive behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing *great emotional pain and stress.

Treatment doesn’t work.

People who don’t like “addicts” or their lifestyle will often point out that relapse (“falling off the wagon”, resumption of drug use after treatment) occurs, so that the treatment must not have worked. We need to remember that relapse also occurs with other diseases (diabetes, cancer, hypertension, etc.), so this is a prejudicial view about dependence treatment.

It is not possible to overdose on caffeine.

Actually, the human lethal dose of caffeine is around 10 grams. But you would have to drink about 100 cups of coffee to even have a chance of this happening!

There is an “addictive personality”.

An addictive personality is presumably something that can be seen in young people that helps predict whether they will become “addicted” later in life. Scientists have not been able to find such a personality. Another definition of “addictive personality” is that people who are “addicted” tend to be “addicted” to everything. This is also not true, based upon the presumed neurochemical causes of dependence.

Stress causes “addiction”.

Research on this topic is incomplete, and we know that stress can trigger relapse in a recovering person. It appears that stress can increase the chances that a person who “has what it takes” can develop dependence, but stress alone is probably not a primary cause of the disease.

You cannot overdose on alcohol

. Alcohol has a lethal dose of around 24 ounces (1.5 pints) of 40% distilled spirits for a 70-kg (150-lb) male, when the beverage is drunk rapidly (within two hours or less). The mechanism of death is respiratory depression (cessation of breathing due to toxic effects of alcohol, or aspiration of - drowning on - one’s own vomit).

Alcoholics can stop drinking – all they have to do is attend A.A. meetings.

The key word here is “all”. A.A. doesn’t work for everyone (even for many people who truly want to stop drinking). For most people, A.A. is a lifelong working of the twelve steps, and it’s often not easy. Scientists theorize that people who “get better” in A.A. somehow learn how to overcome (or compensate for) their brain disease.